It's been a year and a half since a friend of mine committed suicide. And tonight while I was folding clothes, of all things, I got mad at him for doing it. Of course, at the time there was the "I can't believe he'd do it" and "I had no idea he was in trouble". I didn't. We hadn't talked in a few months, but I still considered him a mentor, one of the funniest people I knew and mostly a friend. He was one of the first people who ever said to me that he saw potential in me, he always would joke that someday he'd be working for me. I always brushed that aside as so much bullshiting around, but inside I think I believed that he believed it. Although, I'd never admit that to myself (until just now). Anyway, I've had a pretty good year and I've had some successes in my professional career and damn it I want him to say "see, I told you". I want him to be proud of me. I want him to say it in his way, because he was such a big part of my starting down this path. But Goddammit he's not here to say anything.
I wish I'd known, I wish someone knew. I wish he could have reached out to someone, he had people that loved him dearly and would have done anything for him if we knew he was in trouble. I would have.
I'm mad at him, but I miss him more.
No comments:
Post a Comment